Grrr...relationships!

So, I feel kind of depressed. It's probably a mixture of things, such as stress and school and that kind of stuff. However, I think a lot of it has to do with relationships. I don't know, I guess winter sometimes makes me wish I were in a relationship. Of course, it doesn't help that practically everone I know is in a relationship. In fact, my bestfriend, who is two years younger than me, might be getting engaged soon. It also doesn't help the fact that so much of my music is about relationships.

I think every girl has a romantic side to them. I just keep mine under a think brick wall because I have been hurt so much from past crushes as well as disturbed and grossed out by stalkers. I kind of feel that no one would understand this if I tried to explain it. People are already trying to hook me up, even if it's in jest in a conversation. I don't know, I just can't deal with that relationship crap stuff right now.

I've thought aobut it, and I think the only guy I could go out with right now would be Jesus. He's the only one who would know what to say that wouldn't get me sick to my stomach because it reminds me of what a certain stalker said to me. So, I guess I'm going to be single for a whole lot longer. And, although I may wish to be in a relationship, I know it will be fine and I'll be happy because I'll end up with a guy who is worth the wait. Why should I worry about relationships when there is an awesome guy waiting (hopefully) for me eventually? Therefore, I'll just suck it up and get through yet another day.

But then again, these stupid thoughts keep reoccuring! Why does this have to happen to me? I want a relationship, but at the same time I don't. It would gross me out so much! I don't know, I guess the thought of that stalker keeps coming up a lot. I guess I just need to find someone who will be totally different then him. So yes, this is something I think about, it's a struggle, it's something I keep totally hidden. But it is still there.

ok, so i know that this color is hard to see, however, i think it is the best for trying to read. i've tried pretty much every color, and this was the easiest to see. so yea, if you think of another color that would be easier to see, let me know, and i'll try or else tell you why it didn't work.

Thanks!

Friends

I have friends, I have quite a few of them actually, but I don't have very many deep relationships with friends. This really stinks because I really need these relationships. I really depend on them a lot, perhaps too much. It takes a long time to build these kinds of relationships because I have an issue with trust. For example, during high school I might have had a few close friends, but I think one of the reasons why I struggled so much with depression could be a lack of these intimate relationships. I really never hung out with people. Perhaps this is why I had so much self-hatred. I'm really not sure. Anyways, these types of relationships are important for me. Unfortunately they take a long time to develop because it takes me a long time to trust people. I guess this is because I have a hard time trusting people. I guess there are just things in my past that have happened to me where I'm just not ready to trust someone. I mean, yea, if you tell me information I'll probably believe it, however, I will probably take forever to trust you as a person and to be able to tell you my secrets and everything. I need to know that you won't betray me or my trust. It can take forever for me to develop these types of relationships. And see for me, it's very important for me to spend time with people. To me it seems obvious that those I am in a close relationship with I'll want to spend time with. I have a lot of love languages, the first of which is physical touch, gift-giving and quality time are probably second, followed very closely by words of affirmation, however that is almost tied with acts of service. I know it sounds very strange for me to have all of the love languages as mine, but I don't know, I guess that's how it works. For me, I need to be able to spend time with a person to develop my relationship with them. However, I often feel like I'm imposing on people by going into their room or trying to hang out with them. I don't know, I guess I just feel like if I haven't been personally invited them I'm not welcome or wanted. I mean I can still kinda feel this way anyways. If I know you pretty well, I'll probably just try to hang out with you anyways because I know that I can trust you. But see, the problem is, since it takes me so long to form these relationships, my friends get jibbed off. Because I always want to hang out with them, I think they feel that they just want a break from me. This can be hard for me to accept a lot of times. I'm not sure why, my brain works weird in that I always think negatively. You can tell me to stop, but it won't work. So sometimes when my friends are trying to hang out with other friends I feel that they are ignoring me and don't want me as a friend or don't want me around. I know that this is probably not true, but like I said before, it's the way my brain works. So, my friends end up trying to spend this time from me, wondering why I feel like their my only friend. This is because I am still trying to build a relationship with others of my friends so that I can really truly trust them with anything and know that they will still love me and be my friend. But I think sometimes I really screw up my relationships with my friends. I have had several friends that I reacted wrong to and in the process I've lost them. I think this is why I'm afraid that if I am at all at odds with my friends I will in some way lose them. In fact, I feel that this might be a constant fear for me. I know, we shouldn't fear anything, but I'm just saying what is true. Because of this I seem to sink into depression whenever I'm at odds with my friends, although I can have depression that has been building up for a while, which is a completely different story. Sometimes I'll even get to the point when I think I'm about to lose a friend, especially if it's a very close friend, and I'll start acting like I probably would if I'm in a relationship (i.e. boyfriend, girlfriend) with them. I'll start imaging life without them and I'll miss them really bad and I'll get to the point of tears and being on my hands and knees to beg for their friendship back. I don't know, I guess I just really value friendship, like a lot, like you mess with my friends and I'll kill you! Anyways, I hope this explains to some extent my friendship problems and stuff. Let me know if it helps at all.